Chapter Eleven (This Year's Love)

Previously, on "Heat":
Ch. 10 (Enter Sandman)
-A large house fire led to another dispatch.
-Jake was able to save a man trapped in the balcony.
-Luke carried an unconscious victim out of the house, but it nearly killed him.
-Even though Mr. Pruit was responsible for the fire,
 he was angry when he learned about the victims.
-Nate was awestruck at meeting Hannah, the redheaded beauty.
-Natalie showed up at Luke's door.

*Strong language*



Location: 1557 Memorial Parkway
Date: Friday, 11/4/2011
Time: 7:08 p.m.

"Natalie..." Luke can feel the oxygen desert his lungs.  They painstakingly form the syllables of her name, as if he had to make a choice: breathe or speak.  Only in this case, he wishes he didn't speak her name.  Then he can still pretend he can close his eyes, and when he opens them, she'll disappear, as if she's a mere figment of his imagination.  He has played out this scenario in his head countless times.  He has wondered what he would do if she showed up at his place.  Would he call her foul names and slam the door on her face? Would he let her in and give her a chance to explain? But he never really got to the answer.  Anger would set in, accompanied by violent hands twisting his innards into a knot, and he forces himself to think of something else.  

"I didn't want to bother you, but..." Her fragrance leaks out from the confines of her perfectly tan skin, forcing him to hold on to the side of the entryway for balance.  Words may have trailed away from her mouth, but her scent reaches out to him like a warm caress, a familiar touch that pry into his thoughts...and memories.

"But?" He could have cut her off and screamed for her to go away.  He could have chosen any other expression to let her know that he's done with her.  But his mouth betrays him.  It wants answers.  It wants her to beg, to plead, to grovel at his feet and shout to the world that  she made the biggest mistake of her life.  



"I just..." Her eyes, which remind him of crystal-clear waters that take on a greenish or bluish hue depending on her mood, hold him hostage.  Her iris constricts, slowly emitting a  tinge that can be seen right before the sun sets, that precious moment before blue skies are overtaken by a golden horizon.  Many times he has gotten lost in this place, and he is feeling that way now.  He feels powerless, as if he needs a rope just to pull him back out...to this thing called reality.  

"What do you want, Natalie?" Luke manages to blink, and it temporarily breaks him from her spell.  There used to be a time when he thought she was his Lois Lane.  He was so sure of it, from the moment he laid eyes on her in his Statistics class.  It was his first year at Bridgeport University.  He can still remember it like it was yesterday.  The summer heat was still lingering but giving way to the cool fall breeze.  He was running late on his first day of school.  All of the seats in the lecture hall were taken except for one in the back, but there was a black purse occupying its place.  Without even thinking, he asked if the seat was taken.   As soon as she looked up at him, she let out a soft gasp.  But he wasn't sure if that was good or bad.  She muttered that she was holding the seat for a friend, but the whole room faded into blur as her eyes smiled at him, coyly.  As if she was trying to control the blood rushing to her cheeks.

"Nothing...I just wanted to talk." She briefly looks down as if she's wondering how she ended up at his door in the first place. "Can I come in? Please?"

"This year's love 
It better last
Heaven knows 
It's high time
I've been waiting
On my own
Too long"



Despite the loud protests in his head, Luke gives way, holding his hand out towards the direction of the living room.  The moment her body lightly brushes his as she walks past, the oxygen returns to his lungs, only to quickly leave his throat.  This is a bad idea. Reason finally vocalizes itself in his mind, but they are overpowered by the tap tap tap of her high heels hitting the wooden floor, and the sway of her hips.  Those hips he knows well.  For years, avoidance has been his ally from this...force called Natalie.  He changed his number and blocked her from his email.  He specifically told his friends and family to reject all her inquiries if they ever ran into her.  She's even banned from the firestation.  He has managed to blacklist her from his mind as well, but he failed to realize one thing.  Avoidance works...until that entity is right in front of him. 

He thought she was completely out of his life after two years of no contact.  She has made attempts to reach him (according to mutual friends), but she never showed up at his door.  At least not that he's aware of.  He even heard that she went on to date someone else, but that type of information was of no consequence to him.  As far as he was concerned, she was nothing but a bad memory that he wished he could erase.  And especially after he met Lyn, he forgot about her.  Or at least he liked to think so, now that a new interest has occupied his thoughts for the last two years.  His real...or at least new Lois Lane.  



"Your place...just like I remember." Natalie looks around, examining the bed, furniture, plasma t.v. and Luke's first turnout jacket hanging on the wall.  A faint smile grows on her face as she crosses her legs daintily, like a supermodel taking a five minute break from her photo shoot.  There's no question she's beautiful, with the kind of face that hardly ever heard the word "no" and the type of body that can make married men betray their own vows.  But Luke didn't stay with her for two years because of her looks.  He got to know the sweet, charming, intelligent person inside, and that's what made him fall in love with her.  Hard.  

"Yeah." The unbearable silence in the apartment makes him uneasy.  He can't even trust his own thoughts, which now focus on how close she is to him...inches away.  He sees her everywhere in this tight space now: talking or watching a movie while cuddling on the sofa, sharing take-out, taking a shower together, her naked body on the bed with his...or the floor. What he enjoyed the most was holding her in his arms as they slept, the security it brought him, the softness of her body, her sweet scent.  He hasn't felt that way since...Lyn fell asleep in his arms.



"So...how've you been?" Her body shifts in his direction and her eyes follow, slowly traveling to his face.  But she looks away as soon as he catches her gaze.  Her eyes seem to cry out for something, as if she's going to burst from keeping her thoughts contained, but she settles for small talk instead.  

He's at a loss for words.  Nothing comes out.  His brain is still trying to process the fact that she's inside his apartment, and within the grasp of his hand.  A few minutes ago, he was getting ready to make dinner after a dispatch that nearly took his own life.  After that, he was going to watch some t.v., then call Lyn back.  And the part he looked forward to the most: spending the rest of the night talking to the woman that gets him like no other person in this world.  Even though they live far away from each other, their connection grows each day and he has come to depend on their contact like a form of nourishment.  His day simply isn't complete without hearing her voice or being able to wish her goodnight.  

But now, Natalie's presence is completely throwing him off.  After what seems like eternity, Luke finally breaks his silence and says, "Not too bad.  You?" 



"Can't complain, really.  I got my MBA and I'm in marketing now." She eases back further into the couch, causing the leather to creak as she crosses the other leg.  Luke can feel her eyes on him as he stares out the window, hoping for a distraction strong enough to help him come out of this situation intact.  The end of daylight savings time is two days away, and the sky is getting dark, with purple and terracota colored clouds fading into the stars.  Pretty soon, the city lights will take over the darkness, illuminating the streets and buildings.  

"Good for you." He briefly looks in her direction, as if to remind himself that he's not dreaming, and he can't just pinch himself to wake up.  Then he looks down at the floor.  He used to be her biggest fan.  He was the one who encouraged her to major in business, even though she wanted to jump in the law school bandwagon.  In fact,  he was the one that saw her potential in marketing, with her good looks, bright personality and ease with people.  Hearing this news now, he wishes he can be more excited for her.  But he feels...numb.

"Thanks." She seems surprised at his answer, as if she expected more enthusiasm from him.  At the same time, the white elephant is still in the room, walking around...waiting, just waiting for the right moment to set off the bomb.  "So did you become a firefighter like your dad?"

"Yeah, I did." Luke glances at the turnout jacket hanging on the wall, which her eyes seem to be fixated on.  But this small-talk is wearing his patience thin, and making him uncomfortable.  If she wants to pretend nothing happened, that's on her, but he remembers them all too clearly, especially now. "Look, let's cut the bullshit.  Why are you really here?"



Natalie grows quiet, taken aback at his bluntness.  He's usually easy-going and gentle, no matter what type of day he's having.  She searches his face, his eyes deepening into a forest green.  Those very same eyes that worshiped the ground she walked on, but she finds them empty...and tired...with a veiled contempt.  In an attempt to appease him, she quietly inches closer, whispering, "I miss you, okay? There's not a day that I don't think about you or wonder if you're happy.  These last few years have been hard...and I just couldn't stay away any more.  I had to see you.  Okay?"

He hears every single word.  Loud and clear.  He can even feel them penetrate his ears and sneak into his heart, but his head is full of suspicion.  How can he trust anything that comes out of her mouth? How does he know that some asshole didn't just dump her and she's come crawling back to him?  He feels paralyzed as he sits there staring out the window again, refusing to return her gaze.

"Luke, say something...please." She reaches out to touch his hand, but he coils away as if she just burned his skin. "Luke--"

"Don't touch me." Luke can feel his blood boil as he looks at this woman next to him.  He has been pretty civilized since she showed up unannounced.  He was even courteous enough to let her in.  He even went along with her attempt to act like nothing happened, that they can just pick up where they left off like some long lost friends, but something snapped the moment she tried to touch him. "Don't you ever fucking touch me."



Without warning it all comes back to Luke.  The faded images in his mind converge into one specific scene, like a camera adjusting its lens, slowly revealing sharp details of that one night, four years ago.  He worked as a security guard at a local warehouse five days out of the week, between 8 p.m. til 2 p.m.  In the morning, he had classes.  In the afternoon, he helped out at the firestation for a small supplement.  This was the only way he could afford the tuition and apartment.  He's been on his own since he turned 20.  He knew Natalie was frustrated with his schedule, complaining that she never saw him, but he did it for them.  He's been saving up for a year since they dated, dreaming of the day when he could finally propose to her with a nice ring, and have her move in.  

He can still feel the warm spring breeze blowing on his face that night as he walked up the steps leading to Natalie's apartment.  He finally did it.  He bought the ring.  Over six months of saving, interrupted sleep and exhaustion allowed him to afford a 1.10 carat, M SI2, round diamond.  Set in a simple six-prong, solitaire setting, it threw off insane fires of blue, green, orange and yellow.  Luke had never been so sure of anything in his life, and as he firmly tucked the ring box in his pocket, he tried to figure out how he would ask her. Would he get on one knee and ask her straight out? Or would he simply take her out to dinner and surprise her?

But his daydream came to a screeching halt the moment her door opened from a distance. Before he even reached the landing, Brad quietly slipped out as he buttoned up his pants, his shirt clearly disheveled, his face flushed.  The sight of her pulling his face in gently, their lips touching with heinous tenderness, felt like quick, deep, repeated shanks to Luke's heart.  

"You fucked my best friend!!" Luke's voice escapes like thunder whipping across the sky, causing the walls to vibrate.  He jumps off the couch, not wanting to make contact with anything that's touching her.  For years he only heard it in his head, but they were easily dismissed, as if it never happened.  That was the only way he could cope with what he saw.  But hearing it come out of his own mouth made him nauseous, with his innards violently twisting into knots again.  "You think you can just come here and act like nothing happened and expect everything to be okay??"



"Luke, I never said that--" Natalie's words crack, just like her composure, and her eyes become moist, reddened.  She expected him to be upset.  She knew this coming in.  But she had no idea he still carried this much anger in him, despite the four years that passed.

"Do you have any fucking idea what you put me through??" He can barely contain his own breath as heat takes over his face, causing his nostrils to flare.  His hands are balled up into a fist so tightly, his nails dig into his flesh, causing the calloused skin to break.  At the same time, he'd rather dig into his own skin than hers...and at this point, she's one careless comment away from being shoved against the wall. "I was gonna propose to you! I had the ring with me! Then I saw him at your door...like he just had you!" 

"Oh my God...I'm so sorry..."" Hot tears rolls down her trembling cheeks as she covers her mouth, shaking her head in disbelief.  She continues in a muffled voice, "I didn't...know...you were gonna propose...I didn't know...I didn't know..."



"You didn't know that I wanted to marry you?? That I worked two jobs so I could buy you a ring and start a life with you? You didn't know that I was fucking in love with you? That I thought I found my Lois Lane? That when I told you I loved you everyday, I meant it? You didn't fucking know??" The words come flooding out, quicker than he can allow, along with his fury.  What was he doing the whole time? What else could he have possibly done to show her how much she meant to him? The nails piercing his palm can no longer give him relief.  All he sees is Brad's face inching towards Natalie for a kiss.  And the wall in front of him.  He buries his fist in it so hard, it breaks through the paint, leaving small cracks and a dent.  He imagines that dent as Brad's face as he continues to pound into it, eventually leaving a large hole that exposes the drywall, along with traces of his blood. "Fuck! Fuuuuckkk!!"

"Luke, stop! Please!" Each time his fist lands on the battered wall, she jumps in fear, looking completely helpless as she listens to the profanities coming out of his mouth.  She has never seen him like this, as if he's been possessed by a rabid demon, consumed in anger.   All she can do is wrap her arms around him from behind, despite his massive strength, his arms still moving wildly towards the wall. "You're hurting yourself! Stop!!"

"Get off me!!" He squirms as he tries to peel her hands away from his chest, but her hold is strong and unrelenting.  Feeling like a wounded animal trapped in a corner, he panics. "If you don't get your hands off me, I swear to God, I will fuck you up!"



"No.  You can beat me all you want...I deserve it." Her voice is strangely calm as she grips him even tighter, as if her body is glued to his.  "But I won't let go until you calm down."

He has fought memories of her for four years.  He fought the pain that crept up unexpectedly when something reminded him of her: a perfume, a movie, a restaurant, the color pink...or when someone says her name.  But now that she's here, like a recurring nightmare that refuses to go away, there is nowhere to run or hide, and he is left to stew in his own silence.  Years of pent up anger had finally been released on the poor wall, and now her body is painstakingly close to his, feeling unbelievably warm and soft.  

She conceded.  She admitted what she did, and even gave him permission to physically hurt her.  But that's not the kind of man he is, no matter what the situation, no matter how much someone may deserve it.  Only cowards beat on women and children.  He saw this with Brad's dad, and he vowed to never become like that.  Bruises became a regular thing on Brad and JC's skin, and Luke saw all of it.  This was probably what allowed him to forgive his own best friend.  Women come and go, but brothers are for life, even if they don't share the same blood.



Luke finally stops resisting her attempt to comfort him, and he turns around.  He sees the aftermath of his own tornado of emotions, and all that is left is an overwhelming sadness.  He looks at this woman in front of him, the woman that brightened his day with a mere smile.  They shared something special.  And to watch her destroy it all by sleeping with his best friend, cuts right through his very soul.  It changed him forever, leaving a scar that never truly healed.  He looks into her gray eyes, which are swollen and damp, whispering,  "No...I would never hurt you."

She cups his face in her hands, slowly tracing the outline of his beard, marveling at the amazing bone structure she knows well.  The sight of tears rolling down his handsome face breaks her heart, making her feel even more ashamed.  "Oh, Luke...I am so sorry that I hurt you.  I've never been able to forgive myself for what I did.  You have to know that."

"Why Brad?" He didn't want to ask this question.  But deep down, he knows that if he wants to be free from Natalie's ghost, he has to confront it.

"Do I really have to answer that?"

"Yes, you do.  I need to know.  Why him?"

"Because...we became friends...and he was around..." Natalie swallows, as if the words are stuck in her throat. "And...I thought I had feelings for him."

"I see..." Luke's eyelids grow heavy as he lets himself surrender to her touch.  He had forgotten the feelings she evokes in him.  He had forgotten how quickly his heart beats when she's near.

"But after that, he became distant.  And when I lost you, I knew.  I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life.  And I've had to live with it everyday."

"And when you hold me 
Like you do 
It feels so right
Oh now
I start to forget how
My heart gets torn
When that hurt
Gets thrown 
Feeling like 
You can't go on"



"Have you?" His voice deepens as he suppresses the need to stroke her face.  It's taking whatever strength he has left, but her eyes pull him in, quietly begging him to.  And when blood rushes to her cheeks again, causing her eyes to well up, something in him breaks.   He finds himself cupping her face, with his thumb stroking the tiny freckles that get to him each time.

"Yes.  I even tried dating other guys, but they never worked out." She closes her eyes as she savors his touch.  The touch she has longed for.  "I keep comparing them to you, Luke."

"Your face is just as soft as I remember," he whispers.  He can feel the warm breath coming out of her mouth, causing her breasts to rise and fall.  For the first time, he takes one good look at her face, now unafraid of his own emotions.  His thumb finds her lower lip, gently stroking it, causing her to tremble in surprise.  "And you're just as beautiful."



"Losing all control
Every dream
Inside my soul
Won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet"

*Copyright 2013 Lyn C.S.*

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"This Year's Love" by David Gray
Video by: EstrangedBy